On feeling small.
I have no other way to describe it really. Sometimes, when i am really deep within an anxious thought pattern, I just feel small. My energy feels depleted, I feel a little bit down, unimportant. I question myself why I even bother, does anyone even care?
I tell myself not to create, don’t bother writing, definitely don’t share on instagram or put in any effort to connect with people. I convince myself to stay quiet, to lay on the couch, to shrink myself.
Maybe that’s really what it comes down to. The thought of other people’s thoughts about me scares the shit out of me. If I let myself slip into the rabbit hole, taking guesses at what others could think or say about me, then I am silencing myself. I am stopping myself before I even get started, ya know?
Like, I truly believe we are all here for a reason, we are so beautifully unique, we each have so much to offer, I pray that God/ the universe is able to serve through me, that I am able to align with my highest self to connect with others, to share the journey of life with others.
But, when we second guess ourselves, when we question ourselves, when we put the focus on pleasing others rather than aligning with the Universe to serve our highest good. We’re silencing ourselves, we’re playing small, feeding into the ego, feeding into the energy of others. There will always be people who don’t agree with what I share, who want to argue, who laugh or judge or are annoyed.
And that’s okay, our reactions are reflections of what’s going on within us. When i find myself annoyed or frustrated or experiencing ‘second hand embarrassment’ I try and look inward to see why I am reacting in that way.
Usually, I find that the experience is triggering self-comparison or an old wound within myself.
So, as I was saying– lately I’ve been feeling small. I have been nervous to share or create. Nervous that people are laughing at me, or don’t really care about what I have to say, or think I’m stupid. And really, maybe that’s the case, I mean I’m sure plenty of people out there feel that way about me, but that’s OK. They can feel that way and I can still share and create. Plus, I mean sometimes when I am feeling anxious I get so wrapped up in myself that I fail to realize I’m really not THAt important. Maybe people are laughing at me, maybe they aren’t.
At the end of the day, what people say about others, has a lot more to say about them, then me.